Today I tell my daughter to be fierce, to be who she wants to be, to grow wings, to fly, to refuse limits that others try to put on her, be herself , not mold to what others expect but get others used to what she is capable of.
Live large my little girl.
You are a whole person and being. You weren’t born to follow, you were born to lead. You can do anything you want. Remember that!

They will tell you ” girls don’t do that” , you show them.

Let all those dont’s fuel your strength and aspirations.

Tell them your mom was her own person. She broke the ceilings and walls. Tell them you will do the same.

The world needs strong women. Ready to take on, ready to be proud of being women, ready to be fierce.

Lead the way, my girl, lead the way!

Your path may have obstacles but there is always a way around it.

Your gender is part of who you are not what you are.

Be a girl, Be a mighty girl, Be fierce!

Always!

Love, Mom

Disagreeing with others on Facebook:
1) It is Ok to disagree with someone’s opinion. However it is not OK to directly accuse them of something without understanding their position.
2) Just as your opinion is dear to you, the other person might feel exactly the same way.
3) if you have strong opinions about a topic, voice it on your wall. Be vulnerable enough to say what is on your mind rather than chasing others with your disagreement. Open your self up rather than trolling others.
4) Scrolling away is an option always.
5) Facebook community is huge, Not every post is meant to instigate you personally. You are not that important neither am I.
6) It takes all kinds to make the world.
7) I am here to connect with like minded people not looking to change you.

8) Swearing and inappropriate language reflect who you are not me.

9) There is an unfollow, unfriend and block button. They help greatly with maintaining sanity.
10) There are times, a facebook discussion will help someone understand things from a different perspective, for that you have to be kind and engaging. Relentless harassment is not the way about it.
11) Good ways to end a discussion is bringing Hitler, KKK or ISIS in it. Unless the discussion is about them.
11) There is a person behind that opinion. Try and remember that.
Love social media 🙂

I lay here next to him in his room, and he is cuddled right next to me. His hair smells fresh and nice, and he is telling me something that happened at school today. I am trying to focus on the contents of his story, but my mind is drifting in and out.

It has been barely three days since my diagnosis of Stage 4 metastatic cancer has been confirmed. My 9-year-old boy is lying next to me in his bed, and I am staring at the fan in his room. He gets hot easily and loves to have the fan running on high at night. The chain controls have two planets hanging from them. I am sure he can tell me which ones they are along with their special features. They are spinning fast with the air, much like the thoughts in my head.

I am going in to meet the oncologist tomorrow. Tomorrow, my treatment plan will be determined. I am really hoping that I get to keep my hair, not because that is the most important thing to me, but a hairless mommy is just a bit freaky to the kids. Nothing says cancer more than a bald head. I haven’t told him yet.

He has grown up under the shadow of cancer for the last two and a half years. He has seen me sick and he has seen me bald. I haven’t been able to rack up the courage to tell him that my cancer has returned. I really don’t know how to explain to him that his mother was diagnosed with an incurable illness. How do I actually destroy his innocence myself?

How do you explain to an eight-year-old, the concept of death, dying and an incurable illness?

I wish I had let him have a pet. A fish, a hamster, something small. Something small that had died. So I could tell how he handles grief. Something insignificant in his universe that could help me answer some of my questions. The earth rotates and the planets spin. The glow in the dark planet set hangs from the curtain rod as well. Everything in nature is supposed to stay in its place to keep the balance. But what about me and him? Why must I change his orbit?

My gaze catches the telescope that sits on the chest of drawers consistent with the theme of the room. He has been obsessed with planets and the universe since he was three. An early reader, he would bring these little planet books from the library and we would read those to him over and over again. Later for the longest time, his favorite book was the “Atlas of the Universe” and I would get inundated with the universe factoids that I would nod my head to as he rattled them off and followed me to the bathroom to make sure I understood.

His universe is under threat by something that was seen under the microscope four days ago. Those metastatic cells, gang banging through my body, found a new home in my liver. He could tell that something was wrong when I had my liver biopsy. The next day when he came from school, I was still in my pajamas, a very rare sight. That evening, he commented to his dad, “Mommy looks just like she used to look when she had cancer.”

My heart sank, and a psychiatrist who always knows what to say was speechless. I made lame excuses that it is because I am not in my day clothes and lied through my teeth.

The fan is whirring, and my mind continues to spin. How exactly do I sit down with him and what words should I use?

“Mommy’s cancer came back?”

“Mommy needs to start treatment again?”

“Mommy feels not so well these days?”

20 years of medical practice and dealing with complex issues, seeing death with my own eyes and discussing terminal diagnosis with patients, one would think, I would have some ability to break this to my son. But no, all this mother is capable of is his wiping her tears and hiding her face in his planets comforter.

He said to me, “Mommy I think I have figured out what www means?”

I think is the “whole wide world” or something.

I wipe my tears and say “Very close, it’s the world wide web”

He, then, cuddles some more, the whole wide world shrinks in my arms and he dozes off.

The clock keeps ticking. It’s the shape of an iPad, I found it on Zullily and was very pleased with my purchase. His chess trophies stare at me and the Legos stay still. He is gently breathing in his sleep.

His universe is under threat. I think, “Thank God he has a telescope so he can watch mommy when she becomes a star.” My eyes fill up again.

On the wall there is a decal that I thought would be good for him to look at every day,

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Let him sleep one more night with his innocence. There is a lifetime ahead of him to learn about death and dying. I am alive today and that is truer than true.

Goodnight my son!

Goodnight stars!

Goodnight moon!

Goodnight to sons everywhere!

Tribute to A colleague who was a victim of domestic violence
When angels lift you up

Up and up as you soar

Leaving behind

What could have been

What should have been

And What did.  

 
May you rise with strength

As we wish you bye

As we wish you safety

That was so lacking

When you were with us.

We failed

To see the bruises 

On your wings

And on your soul.
Wanting to tell a story

Wanting to fly away

Away from all that haunted you

Now you are safe

Now you are lifted

Now you can be

High and away

And we stay here

Wondering

Grieving

Existing

So we understand what made you go

So soon

Alone, afraid and threatened

Now we must reach out

To another before angels get her too

We must interrupt this journey

Of “too soon” and “so wrong”and 

Of ” heart wrenching sadness”
We must stand strong

For you my Sister

And with all other sisters with 

broken wings.

And fragmented souls .

Let’s pull them together 

So they can be, the birds who fly,

on their own.
By Uzma Yunus

  

My inbox started to flood with messages as I disclosed the new challenge that unfolded in my life.

I would like to share with you what I have heard from all corners of the world.

“I believe we are powerful. I believe the mind is amazing. And healing can and does happen in ways that transform us. Not always in the ways and time in which we want but in ways that give meaning to things that reveal truths we could have never known. I’ve know great adversity in my life. It’s shaped me, changed me, and freed me.” said a wise colleague to me.”

“Will not pretend to fathom or scratch the surface of insight into your present state; emotional and physical. However practicality dictates waiting to see what the PET and Brain MRI hold. Nonetheless your steadfastness is what’s got you this far and will continue to take you farther.” said a thoughtful friend

“Word elude me. I am crying with you. With how unfair this is. I can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling so I will pray for your strength, courage, peace and faith. Sending you love and support.” an emotional friend wrote.

“Uzma, I hope you can gather strength from all of us and that you will reach out when you need to. And I do hope that when the shock, anguish, and anger have lessened their hold on you that you will write that memoir. In the meantime, do what you need to, cry and scream if you feel like it, and enjoy your children and family.”

“My first reaction as I read ur post…. Shit!!! In the past hour I have a barrage of ” shit” and f%$k” in my head. If you need to let ur Tourette’s loose, you have my number!””

“Uzma, I know we barely know each other, but I have been thinking of you constantly since yesterday, and praying. I’m so sorry. A big hug and lots of prayers”

“Uzma, you amaze me at so many levels. Your strength, your grace and your love. I’m speechless. I will continue to pray for you and your absolutely beautiful family.”

“Hi Uzma !! I am very sorry to read your news and I cannot imagine what you are going through right now ! You can call me to talk or if I can call you? You shall continue to inspire and educate ! We are here with you xxxx”

“Dear Uzma, I have been thinking about you all day and just finally have been able to sit down and write you a note . It been a few months since my “new” diagnosis, I’m still processing it and how I deal changes daily. Somedays are scary, some are sad and others are like living in denial and that is okay because honestly, how else do we get through the day? ”

“Hope you are staying strong and focused. though its okay to have moments of weakness, you are not going to let cancer beat you, even if it kills you. That is your enduring legacy and your identity…..”

“I thought of you because it reminded me of the miracles around us. I think of the impossible chances of that little seed that probably fell into a small crack, for it to grow into this tree and crack this Boulder that weighs thousands of tons. Statistically improbable and nothing short of a miracle. But miracles are all around us. Things people think are impossible can happen and do happen! And with so many people who love you and pray for you everyday a miracle could happen! Stay strong my dear.”

“Dear Uzma, was trying to find words for the last few days to comfort and reassure you. I still have nothing but to let you know that you are in my prayers constantly. You have been amazing through this hard journey. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for you. But remember that you are surrounded by duas and well wishes from everyone.”

“I see you writing a book. For kids. I trust my intuition so wanted to put that out to you as you have the gift to inspire on a big level. Pls know I am your champion.”

“You’re a courageous person and although I don’t have cancer I have been going through medical problems within the last year as well and seeing you post makes me relate to someone. I know it’s hard seeing people get on with their lives and doing things, but always have hope because at the end of the day that is what most of us have only truly have. Feel free to message if you feel down and need anyone to talk. I know there’s an age difference but I’m sure we’ll have plenty to talk about. Stay strong beautiful !”

“Uzma I read your posts you know you are my hero, you express your feelings so well you are very clear in your thought processes you are a very realized person. I am  heading towards the end of my life. Every day I experience new pains and witness the diminution in my bodily functions, in spite of healthy living exercise activity etc. This is the reality of life. It has an end. We are born and our souls have acquired this physical existence it moves and hence created illusion of time and so the beginning and end. Some conditions and illnesses accelerate this process and since we are sentient beings and pursuit of knowledge, medical science in this case has literally makes us capable of predicting or seeing in future, it’s but natural that it has emotional repercussions. But my coping mechanism is concentrating on spiritual aspect of life. Life can’t be just this. These events in a way prove that reality is much larger than this and hence perseverance with this mundane process with its uncertainty is the wisdom.”

They continue to pour in. Blessed to have this much wisdom and emotional support available to me.

 

 

Another Appointment today!
Hair cut and color ????????????????
Looking forward to a relatively normal day as I digest the events that started February 20th.
It all started when I went to do my annual routine breast MRI.

On that test , the edge of the liver showed lesions which looked suspicious for cancer.

I returned to the CT scanner to see if it were real lesions or artifacts.

Ct showed them again.

At this point medical team recommended investigating the entire body for evidence of cancer else where.

Bone scan was clean.

PEt scan showed more than liver involvement

Brain MRI is also clean.
So Since feb 15, I have been pretty much doing scans and appointments . Best part about yesterday was not getting further bad news.
Today I feel a bit relaxed as I see the picture a little clearly .
Thank you for getting me through this highly tumultuous , scary and unpredictable 10 days.
It is one of the hardest things I have done.

Including talking to those who clearly were unwilling to see the reality.
Three statements that I am really tired of hearing are:

Be strong 

Be Positive

Don’t give up hope
All good thoughts to say. They just don’t help me emotionally in dealing with what lies ahead.
Good attitude is important. Hope is relative and strength fluctuates daily.
Iam just being for now. Being what I know best. Being who I am.
Hope DOESNOT mean denying the reality neither does it mean burying head in the sand.  
Hope is effort , on going effort to not die before actual death. Hope is living good whatever you have not exaggerating reality that is completely unrealistic.

My kind of hope requires me to live daily and that’s all I do.