My 20 year medical school reunion is coming up soon. I am sharing my thoughts and reflections on my training in this post–
I don’t know your name. But would it have mattered? I would have treated you exactly the same way as I did. It is possible though that knowing your name would have made you more human than I would care to accept. Not knowing your name made everything so much easier. It was the best way to maintain the distance I needed. But what about your wishes? your needs? I never considered them. I blocked them, never wanting to go down that road.
I was selfishly satisfied with your quiet consent. You had offered yourself as a noble sacrifice and then my curiosity trumped all emotions. I wish I had expressed my gratitude. I wish I had said a prayer for you. I wish I had acknowledged.
Now 25 years later, when I can still remember your face and the wiry silver beard, I realize fully how much you gave to me. Every week for a few hours , I was spending time with you, studying you closely, learning all about you. You gave the knowledge I so craved, you gave me the confidence I was so lacking.
I had often wondered what your story was. The beginning and the end. I feel guilty for having prolonged your end or at times triumphant at your immortality. Sorry I didn’t let you sign off right at the end and you were made to stay longer.
Your short cropped silver hair gave away what your age may have been. You lean body, told me that perhaps you had a hard life or a slow painful end. The lack of fat on you was the envy of the group next to me. You didn’t have any scars or missing body parts. You, Cadaver #9, and I , young medical student and the connection between , a shiny sharp scalpel.
You helped me start a journey that I am still on today. My eyes that used to burn with formalin vapors that preserved you are well trained to assess human suffering and pain. Although I never closely studied your expression, these eyes of mine have mastered that skill.
You were the very first among the countless others who helped a naive, neophyte medical student into a self assured physician.
My hands did shake the first time I put an incision in your leathery thick skin. You seemed like you were carved from wood, much like the Indian that is sometimes standing outside the cigar shops. The cut didn’t lead to any bright red blood, the hallmark of life. It was comforting to know I was not inflicting any physical pain on you. Because of your permission to cut you repeatedly, I was hold to hold a scalpel steady at my first surgical procedure and make a cut in a warm breathing human body.
It was awkward and distressing for the first few weeks. The smell of the anatomy lab was strong and lingering. It had permeated into my unconscious. I often had haunting dreams of you.
Given how unreal you looked, it was easy to arrive in the lab and focus on a certain “body part”. Bit by bit as me and my six other colleagues worked on you, you hardly had any skin left. We would be so enthralled by the details we would find inside you as we uncovered fascinating anatomical displays.
The blood vessels, the nerves and the organs. All were there just like the anatomy dissector text had said.
I clearly remember rejoicing as I had neatly dissected all five branches of the facial nerves after hours of meticulous cutting.

I remember having a hard time eating after the first few times of dissection and then I got numb to the idea that I was in the presence of a dead human and would shortly after the class dig into meaty curry at the cafeteria. The gloves would often get greasy from the body fat and we would sometimes be sloppy with the white coats that got some grease on them. My mother however, always had them washed separately and treated them like the plague.
You must have had a story, that I was never privy to as I looked into your abdominal cavity carefully assessing each and every organ. I was always respectful and kept you at least partially covered as I worked on you.
The relationship of a medical student to their cadaver is perhaps a single odd and unique relationship that can be had in this world. Working with cadavers is a lesson, not just in anatomy but life and death. Death an essential part of medical training, a force that every physician fights against and humbled by.
We all work to sustain life but it does all start with a wooden silent dead body known as the cadaver, In my case, Mr. Body # 9. Thank you sir! I and my countless patients thank you for your sacrifice.

Today is a very significant day , no , not because it’s Amazon deal day. It’s a very important day for me.This day propelled me into action and a new course of life. This day I got , a not so gentle reminder that life is short and that I had needed that reminder. Today exactly two years ago, the breast surgeon said, ” I am so sorry!”

Now every time , I look in the mirror I realize that life is short but it’s richness is what I still have control over. My days are now measured in quality, smiles , gratitude, good deeds and experiences. The seconds, minutes and hours matter but I have no say in the total count. So rather than obsessing about it, I will continue to make the best of what I can change and rest I will accept with gratitude. Each waking moment without pain is a gift , every day without fear is a blessing.

Two years ago, I was unaware of what resided inside of me until I had to summon all that I had , to fight the illness called Cancer. My life since then has followed this post cancer trajectory with little victories along the way but what I value most is how it has changed me for the better.

When they said don’t sweat the small stuff, I never fully grasped it because I had the option of being stressed and neurotic. After cancer, however, I try and live it every day…if I do sweat the small stuff, the stress will kill me. I understand that. I value a good night’s sleep more than a late movie or web surfing. I take care of myself. I say ” no” more often and take my emotional energy where it’s valued. I sometimes deviate but I keep trying. Friends mean so much even the ones that I have never met. Friendships are truly the essence of life. I couldn’t have gone through the last two years without friends.

I want to thank everyone for being there for me. I think there is lots of goodness in the world and that above all lessons learnt in the last 2 years, most important one is that I am one very lucky person. Life is ever changing, it’s how you appraise the change and what you make of it. And if I could, I would now break into the “Let it go ” song and start running for maximum impact????????

Second cancer anniversary, reposting from last year

Responding to Nancy’s point ‘s blogging challenge:

1. I lived at home till about 25 and then picked up and moved alone half way across the globe.

2. I have circled around the earth once.

3. I can burp on request.

4. I can read four languages.

5. English is not my first language.

6. I hate mathematics

7. I draw and sketch.

8. I don’t know how to swim but recently started to learn.

9. I am allergic to Adriamycin

10. I hate peeling potatoes and cutting cantaloupes

11. I cannot stand the smell of a boiled egg.

12. I dont have my gall bladder.

13. I enjoy talking to strangers and make friends easily

14. I enjoy traditional Pakistani and indian food and cook it too

15. I dont have a  middle name

It’s a rather typical spring day in the Midwest. The sun is out and it appears deceptively warm. It’s the kind of day that you want to step out without the much needed jacket in this part of the US. The wind however is blowing making it feel much cooler.
My kids and I want to go to the “lake”, a small made lake in our neighbor hood, for a “treasure hunt”, what an adult would call a nature walk. It’s a quiet Sunday, the neighbors are perhaps at church or having dropped of the kids at grandparents house are out at the mall.
My almost 8 and 4 year old are armed with buckets to save the “treasures’ in. It is serene and relaxing by the lake. Ducks and geese are making haphazard tangents, some novice fishermen trying their luck. Being in touch with nature feels so good.
My kids scan the shrubs and brush looking for treasures.
My son screams with excitement, and he has found a bottle cap. Nothing fancy, just a white plastic bottle cap. My daughter now gets more vigilant.
We see the remains of the “controlled burn” of the brush around the lake. Yes any uncontrolled unhampered growth is a lot of trouble, who knows more than a cancer survivor.
I hear my daughter celebrating a beautiful rock she found. At 4, everything is amazing and full of wonder. Rocks, pebbles, odd shaped stones are all treasures. Blessed is a life that sees stones as valuable and this innocence is so precious.
Before cancer, I may have spent this Sunday obsessing about what to cook, mulling over what summer camps to sign up for and organizing the house but post cancer I am out walking with my kids looking for treasures. I realize that they are learning with me to embrace nature and appreciate life. It makes me smile.
They aren’t at Kumon or at a gymnastics class or learning some craft but they are learning a skill, which we adults sign up for in retreats, letting go and relaxing, finding pleasure in everyday things that are all around us.
My daughter spots a turtle and there is sheer excitement in her voice. It’s a small turtle sitting on a branch sprouting out from the lake.
By now their buckets have an unidentifiable shiny object, a half burnt Sippy cup, a ball and something they are calling a “fishing thingy”.
A mom is pedaling with her son on their bikes. We point out the turtle to them.
She remarks ” Look (son) we are going so fast , we are missing out on all the good stuff!”
I agree. Cancer has slowed me down but the slowing down is not so bad either.