I have not written much lately. It may be a sign of my avoidance. Sometimes, writing and talking about cancer is also exhausting. Sometimes, it feels like reliving it and too much of a preoccupation. Cancer has weaved itself into my being and unwilling to abandon me much like the love and support of my friends and family.
And life is a complete package of good and the bad. I work on accepting both simultaneously as I hold on to some and let go of some.
I have been busy with the rest of my life. My family, kids and the new found freedom of not having patients to care for. I miss being a doctor very much but I also realize that being a doctor is not confined to the office. Healing is a 24/7 profession that is also incorporated in me as a person. I just don’t get paid in money for it but lots in kindness and gratitude which are the biggest gifts of all.
Recently I have been running into my patients too often on my trips to restaurants and store and wonder if it’s a sign for me to know that they are okay. We often think of ourselves as irreplaceable as people but time and time again, I have seen and experienced that we are all dispensable. I am too. Perhaps not for my kids and husband but generally, life will go on without me.
It’s a comforting thought…knowing that life will keep moving forward.
It always does. Just as those who left us after the shooting in Orlando. Heartbroken as I am, I also know that no matter how big the grief or loss is, we have no choice but to find our inner strength and keep marching and keep pace with this thing that we are trapped in, the perpetual march of life.
Tomorrows can only be better if todays are valued. With incurable cancer, today is what I have.
And today is what life offers you as well.
We all want a better future, devoid of hatred and bigotry. I do too. I may not be around to see what I plant today, to see it grow and thrive to maturity.
Not working for a better future is the loss of ultimate hope.
Life expects all of us to be hopeful. I am too, in so many different ways.
I wish peace to all as we deal with a national tragedy.
I stand by all oppressed and distressed in this moment of grief.
But I remain hopeful. I remain grateful.