Reconnecting

Yes, the chemotherapy has ended and what a relief it is. I feel free and liberated. Free to breathe without the runs of tachycardia that were a reminder of the drugs hanging out in my body and my body reacting to them. Free to have a life, a schedule , a plan. It almost feels like my lungs are expanding more, my mind is sharper and my heart is lighter. Sometimes I feel like screaming , “I am done with chemotherapy!” The sun feels warmer, the music louder and food definitely tastier!

It is hard to believe that months of misery have finally come to an end.the first time I was told I needed 16 cycles of chemotherapy, it sounded like an insurmountable task and now it is finally over. I can return to my life again.

Many of the side effects that were happening are now more evident to me because I realize that it wasn’t OK for the joints to hurt all the time. It wasn’t OK to feel like my calf muscles were sore and distended. I walked like someone with arthritis. I had many nights where I needed a pill to sleep and tylenol or motrin to just get through the day .When you feel sick for so long, it hard to remember what is and isn’t right.

And it is great to not feel tired, so tired that it felt like my muscles were made of iron, stiff and heavy. Its great not have nose bleeds, something that could happen any time and sometimes freak the children out.Its wonderful not to have bouts of itchy hands with incessant itching that would last for hours so much so that I wasn’t able to do anything except rub a wet towel on my hands. Now I look forward to the nose hair growing back so I am not sniffling like I have chronic cold. The hair is coming back , but its fine and chick like fuzzy. Sometimes, I do feel like I just hatched out of an egg ready to start a new life.

Every things seems new and exciting,  a reincarnation of sorts. In this new life, relationships are even more important. These are the connections that sustained me , provided me the energy that I didn’t have. Friendships have been filling my heart with love and hope. Through chemotherapy, I would feel like the spinning circle when the internet signal is low and a device is trying to connect to it  but all you see is that it keeps spinning ……but then something someone did or said would help me realize that I am connected, connected to others and my life has connections and that I continue to have a purpose, if no other reason to stay alive is for me to pay it forward. I like this connection.The flowers, the gifts, the chocolates, the food all represents a link, a link to someone’s heart. How can one not feel hopeful in the midst of it?

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