It has been just over two and a half years since Uzma died. It was twenty years ago today that we promised to be together forever.

Life doesn’t stop when some we love profoundly dies.

Other loved ones’ love needs reciprocating. The constant chorus of bills, work, and chores needs attending. Children’s camps and experiences need planning, arranging, and scheduling. Slowly but surely, life grows around grief.

Grief doesn’t diminish or vanish. It just starts to look smaller compared to the experiences added to our life since the loss. Just as building an addition to the house makes the other rooms a smaller portion of the grown house without shrinking them in reality.

We start taking doing things again for fun. We start taking vacations. And then, out of the blue, something brings the memories flooding in. It could be a visit to a beach we visited together ages ago. Or a walk past a hotel where one stayed in another life. Or a friend’s wife getting admitted to hospice. The kids’ birthdays do it. And so do anniversaries — definitely, the marriage anniversary.

Once the memories overflow the banks of the daily stuff, they take a while to recede. As they recede, we are left longing for another memory-flood.

13 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing. It will be 3 years since I lost my Dad to Stage 4 bone cancer on August 30. For almost a year what kept me going was bereavement counseling. I am thankful that my PCP ‘forced’ me to attend. Prayers for you and the kids🤲🙏

    1. The kids and I attended grief counseling for a year after Uzma’s death. After that, we started family therapy and are still doing it. Best decision I ever made. I am glad to hear that the counseling was helpful to you as well. May your father’s memory be a blessing forever for you and your family.

  2. I think of your family often. So glad you had such a deep profound love. I am so very sorry your time together was to short. She will always live in your heart my your have joy and happiness each day

    Linda

  3. Uzma continues and always will be in my heart daily. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.
    I am heartened though when I see pictures of you and the kids experiencing some joy again such as going on vacation. Grief in my experience is always that small room but never entirely goes away. Thinking of you .

  4. I never knew her in person but when she started writing, I became one of her biggest admirers. Kept following her all along and also got her book. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. It’s indeed very difficult to move forward after such an immense loss, but as you rightly put it, the house grows bigger in proportion without that room actually shrinking 😦 I hope you keeping looking forward to having another lifetime of beautiful years in another world full of possibilities.

  5. Worked with Uzma at New Foundation Center, very sorry to only now hear about your loss. She was very respected by her patients and very educational for all staff.

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