Sept 23, 2017
So I start cycle #3 of Xeloda today. Unfortunately I woke up to the news of my Facebook friend with liver metastasis not responding to Xeloda and over last fifteen days ending up in hospice.I wish her an easy transition.This is what I live with emotionally.
That it could all be over in two weeks. I try to look at others who have responded and doing well. But it’s hard to turn the fears off.
The second cycle was rough and my appetite has taken a nose dive. I can no longer tolerate desi food and spices. My hand and feet did take a hit and for the most part of last week , walking felt like walking bare feet on dry grass.
I no longer walk barefoot at home but wear padded slippers.
Of course, none of this takes me down and I have lots of exciting things lined up for October.
I keep making the lemonade and at times add a little vodka to it.
Scans will be after cycle four.
Cards keep coming. Thank you for the love and support!
I have been focusing on finishing a coherent account of my cancer journey.
However it’s challenging to revisit past and all the junctions where life could have changed for better, where I could have had a more hopeful outcome and documenting difficult times.
That has been the reason for not writing new blogs. I am doing okay so far and am on the second cycle of Xeloda. Hair is sprouting back and a few eye brows here and there. But I know very well that they may not stay and it may soon be back to the chemo pole.
I am still on three weekly Herceptin infusions where I am routinely reminded of the reality of my life.
Meanwhile I am squeezing life out of every moment possible. I have many side effects but whatever I can manage, I do. The rest I pretend that they don’t exist.
I am looking forward to fall and for my salted caramel mochas. Kids are back in school and adjusting well.
My husband and I live in optimistic denial often but of course the thoughts of what the next scans will show linger.
I have had treatments in the last year that have failed to combat cancer progression effectively.
I could sure use some actual hope evident on my scans. A little more than my internal resilience but actual real improvement would be nice to see.
I keep my fingers crossed.
Progression was seen on scans. This chemo regimen did not do the job!
As a physician patient, I clearly understand what it means to have metastatic cancer. When I was first diagnosed with metastasis, that’s when I started to grieve what this illness will do to my life. It was then that I suffered the most. Over the time since April 2016, I have remained focused on my life goals and taking nothing for granted. I have and am doing things that I love and enjoy. I meet people and strengthen my relationships. I have unloaded many things that don’t matter any more, people, thoughts, actual things.
I am at peace with what I am doing and where I am. I have no complaints. I truly have had a very good life and I know that I have made a difference.
So whatever is supposed to come next, I am willing to accept. I will however remain focused on quality vs quantity. And there are treatment options yet but I am blowing through them rather quickly. That’s what happens, in a downward course, options fail and then there isn’t anything left to try. For me it could be in the next three months or another two years. Only time will decide.
And yes, before you talk about anyone being hit by a bus, I could also be hit by the bus.
This doesn’t mean I have no hope, it just means that I appraise my reality well based on scientific evidence. And yes miracles do happen but if they happened for everyone , we would call them standard treatment not miracles.
My time and sense of wellness remains my most valuable asset .
I have goals to accomplish and things to do yet.
Thank you for the massive outpouring of support and I can tell you that I slept well last night WITHOUT having to take a sleep aid. I was prepared for results. I am certainly disappointed but I am not crushed. I just know I still have time.
July 15th, 2017 :We have all heard the phrase, “Life can change in a moment!” But we don’t truly believe it until it happens!
For me that moment happened exactly four years ago today. July 15th, 2013.
Yes, a phone call and awkward pause and an apology. And my life changed in a way that was hard to comprehend and even harder to live. It has been a long four years, full of challenges , suffering and unusual human interaction. With life lessons at every corner and opportunities to reflect and make sense of the clock that is constantly ticking.
Having heard the sentence, now twice, that I have cancer, here I am. Bald, tired but full of appreciation of life. With your support I have chronicled my journey and today I wish to share this news with you that this year , I look forward to having my book, ” Left Boob Gone Rogue” in your hands.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the phrase, ” You should write a book!”
Well I have done that ( almost )
I am in the final phase of this project. I have dealt with major set backs as you all know but giving up has never been an option. Finishing a book during chemotherapy is a challenge in itself!
My biggest fear has been cancer infiltrating my brain and taking away my capacity to think and write. It sat on my skull for months checking out the terrain.
Now that my MRI has been reported and the brain looks ok ( for now) in the next three months I will be devoting all my time and energy to make this book a reality for me and for you.
” Left Boob Gone Rogue” is my story of persisting in face of relentless breast cancer and the suffering it entails.
There will be lots more details coming but I wanted to share this today with you, on my four year cancer anniversary that I persisted.
I am grateful for the love and encouragement from all of you that gives me the confidence to pursue my writing seriously and move forward!
Here is to four years of living with cancer, not just surviving but truly living! To moving forward and to conquering fears!
I took this photo on the day I was feeling ugly.
Yes, I felt un-feminine and ugly that morning. I felt sad. The night before I had shaved a handful of hair still #persisting on my scalp despite two cycles of chemotherapy. I was unsure if I would have hair again in my life time given my diagnosis of stage four incurable cancer. I wondered if I would die bald, I wondered if I was done with having hair forever. With those thoughts , I had grabbed my husband’s electronic razor and shaved my hair off. It needed to be done . Fall had arrived on my scalp and I needed to accept. The next morning I looked at myself, trying to accept that I am bald Again for the second time. My eye lashes were sparse and there was only a faint shadow of my brows. My body that had been used to being toned and fit seemed flabby. All around I felt ugly and undesirable. I thought about the toll cancer had taken on my body and how bit by bit it had stolen from me.
In my anger and rebellion , I got dressed, pulled out my make up and started to use it. I put on fake lashes, painted brows and put on bright lipstick . I told myself ” Gosh darn it , even if I feel ugly, I won’t look ugly”.
An hour later, I was taking selfies all over the house.
Sometimes, it’s not easy to accept life the way it’s unfolding in front of you but I have found that it is necessary to stare back at it and give it a good scare.
And yes, I may have felt ugly that day, but I made myself pretty. And yes external beauty is superficial but it does matter or there wouldn’t be a billion dollar beauty industry.
I wanted to share this because I want you to know that I am not impermeable and there are many times when I feel vulnerable.
I just end up fighting back, getting up and try to fix the problem I face.
As a smart psychiatrist once said,
” The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
I have practiced psychiatry for almost 20 years. I have helped people learn and understand things about themselves as a profession. Change takes time and patience as well as introspection and willingness.Social media has changed our ways of coping and understanding things so has increased ability to communicate through text and internet.
We are becoming more and more reactive as a society and are generally losing our ability to be patient and focus on things. We are compelled to constantly react to stimuli thrown at us and we are forced to respond in this online life of ours. The actions are immediate and reactions are immediate. We are changing as a whole in how we process things around us and how we respond to them.
We react before we have all the facts , form opinions based on knee jerk reactions. This is leading to great emotional volatility and stress.
We while we embrace technology must remain aware that we have a choice about what to allow in and what to shut off, what we need to respond to and what we don’t . We still have choice and discretion. Just because it’s accessible doesn’t mean it’s permissible .
It feels like the whole world is losing their mind sometimes and it’s partly because of this ready access to news and ideas and reactions to them in millions.
People get agitated over minor issues and lose their tempers. Because they are emotionally exhausted and spent having used up their resources over issues they barely have control over .
Like a smoldering ember ever ready to catch fire. Talking about controversial things is charming and exhausting. At the end of the day, if you don’t learn from the discourse , it’s just wasted time.
Swearing like an idiot does not make anyone look dignified! It’s easy to make a fool of yourself by seeking attention but that would fill the void you seek to fill.
Maintain your sanity , don’t react to everything !
Be kind to yourself !